Because it’s easy to always look at what your Frenchman is doing to spoil your relationship, I am looking at what’s the deal with me?
My longest relationship was my marriage. I was never great at relationships and my failed marriage kind of sealed the deal on that one. I am on the defensive. I take comments as criticism. I feel like I’m not good enough as a result. I feel insecure. I over-react to tiny things. I feel misunderstood. I feel alone. I am a nightmare.
You’d think I would have gotten better at this stuff. But all I’ve done is realize I’m a nightmare and feel ashamed, unhappy and frustrated with myself.
In my current relationship with my Frenchman, I am digging a hole for myself that goes deeper and deeper. And frankly I am losing the will to climb out because I think I am pathetic at relationships. Be they with a Frenchman or any man.
There are days like that. Days when you think, I am sinking. Sinking so far down and you so want to come up for air, but it’s just too hard. So you sink into sinking.
Some people can be content with their lives, no matter how same old same old. I seem to want more. But as for what that it is, I can’t seem to put my finger on it.
I think I envy those people who are settled in their lives. Who wake up, go to work, come home, make dinner for their husband/boyfriend and kids, catch up on their days, watch TV and start over. I really wish I could just settle my mind. Stop thinking. Stop questioning. Stop double guessing. Stop wondering.
Maybe if I stopped long enough, I could relax into my life. And by doing so, relax into my relationship with my Frenchman. So that I could enjoy doing nothing, enjoy doing the ordinary stuff, enjoy the silence, enjoy the simple things. Always wanting things to be better and having ridiculous expectations gets me nowhere fast in every relationship. I see this really clearly. Which I guess is something.
Thing is I think I’m scared. Of losing my Frenchman. Of him not wanting me anymore. Of giving him my heart completely again and getting it stomped all over.
But remember, your current man should NOT have to pay for all the mistakes your exes made. Your current man should get a clean slate, it’s only fair. My head knows that, my heart however is MIA.
Yeah, I need to get a grip. If this relationship with my Frenchman fails I will have no one but myself to blame. So what to do? I know what I have to do. I need to let him in to my little world, open my heart fully. And risk it. Risk it all. Because if I don’t, I’ll never know what could have been.