This post is in response to Sara’s comments to this post right here.
She ended a relationship with her Frenchman last Thursday. Really sorry to hear that Sara. I could really relate to what Sara said because I was so lost when I was trying to make it work with the Frenchman before my current Frenchman. I didn’t realize that a lot of our problems were massive cultural differences back then.
Then I wrote this: What I wish I’d known back then.
There are obviously exceptions, but here are a few pointers about Frenchmen:
– A Frenchman generally won’t introduce you to his mother unless he’s really serious, that is, he wants to marry you.
– A Frenchman may stay in contact with his exes and past crushes. It is no big deal to him.
– A Frenchman doesn’t date.
– A Frenchman won’t label your relationship.
– A Frenchman doesn’t like you asking where things are heading.
– A Frenchman is in an automatic exclusive relationship with you the moment you kiss.
– This doesn’t mean this relationship is going to last. It could just be for right now.
– A Frenchman may want you to move in but it doesn’t necessarily mean you guys are going anywhere. It could just mean he likes you right now, will pay less rent, and gets to have sex a lot.
– A Frenchman will openly criticize you: the way you dress, the way you act, etc.
Looking at this list, anyone would think Frenchmen are totally nuts. I mean this is just plain crazy. Why would anyone want to be with a Frenchman, you might say? Looking back on my pseudo relationship with the Frenchman before my current Frenchman, if I had been cool, just gone with the flow, never tried to label us, never tried to find out where we were heading, never made any demands… maybe things would have been different. Maybe we wouldn’t have argued as much. But at the time, I just didn’t get it. Oh and I’m not really a go with the flow kinda girl.
In cross-cultural couples, communication is not easy. But Sara, it wasn’t up to you to make all the effort. Your Frenchman could have also met you half way. It is not always up to us to mould our behaviour around a Frenchman surely. He has to see that the French way of doing things is not the only way!
Now, to come back to your final question – Is there anything I could try to make it work?
I’m not sure. Simply because you said that you always had to initiate you going to see him, going to dinner, or doing stuff on the weekends. Do you want to go back to that? Also, he said he didn’t want a long-term relationship. But what do you want?
I think if I was you, I would let it be. If this Frenchman loves you and comes to his senses, he will make the first move and ask to try again. This is huge when it happens because it really means something. But if he just lets you go, or rather wants to add you to his list of friendly exes, you need to think about what this friendship is bringing to you. If it’s too painful, or if you’re using your friendship to try and get him back, then it’s not healthy for you. Maybe it’s time to let go?
Best of luck Sara.