Sometimes I wonder if my Frenchman even likes me.
I feel like he doesn’t like things about me. That I get too enthusiastic about things. That I talk too much. Think too much. Interject too much.
Tonight I had a long conversation with a friend in Canada. She said I sounded like the vitality was being sucked out of me. And it made me stop and think. What the hell am I doing with my Frenchman?
I’ve been thinking this a while – we have no plans. No plans to move in together. No plans to go on vacation together. No plans to make a life together.
In other words, it’s all on his terms. If I say anything, he just says back: You’re never happy. Why don’t you just leave me.
He said it so many times, I started thinking about it. Leaving him.
As my regular readers will know, my Frenchman and I had a difficult discussion about kids recently. The gist of it was that he will know in a couple of years if he’s willing to have more kids, depending on how he feels. Which leaves me nowhere.
Even without the baby issue, it’s not like it’s plain sailing. I feel like I’m really not his priority. Like I’m somewhere down the list and he’ll get to me when he can. Like I’m a chore.
The other day I brought up going to Berlin for a long weekend to visit some friends of mine. It would involve him taking a day off work. After waiting for him to commit to a weekend for 3 months, I suggested a weekend. What did he do? Say that he didn’t really have any vacation days he could take with me because he needs to keep them all for his kids.
It made me wonder if I was important to him at all.
I recognize this feeling. I had it with the last Frenchman I was with. I am a regular, exclusive fuck friend. No frills.
He comes over for dinner and sex. And what do I get back?
Because, yes, it is about what I get back too. It’s not just about him getting what he wants.
As for what he wants? I think it’s just someone he can call his girlfriend, that he can slip into his life when it’s convenient for him. 2-3 times a week. None when he has his kids.
As for what I want? I want a life partner, someone who loves me the way I am, someone I can create something with, make plans with for now and in the future, have a family with.
Are we on the same page? It doesn’t look like it right now does it.