LDRs are hard at the best of times. But if you really want to give it a go, you may need to make a few changes.
If you’re saying things like this to your Frenchman, you should stop:
– I’m so sad
– I miss you so much, I can’t take it anymore
– Why can’t we see each other sooner?
– How come you weren’t around last night?
– Where is all this heading?
– I feel so lonely and depressed right now
– I don’t have the energy to do anything
– I wish things were different
– Everything feels like bla
If you’re moping around the house and don’t have a life, you should stop.
If you’re wearing your pjs and haven’t washed your hair in 5 days when you talk to your man on skype, you should stop.
Why? Because going to the gym, meeting friends for a drink, going to an art exhibition, going to the movies gives you something to talk about with your Frenchman. It also puts you in a better light as in you’re an independent woman. Team that with making an effort wardrobe wise for your skype sessions and keeping it flirty and positive, and your Frenchman will be hooked. He’ll want to talk more because he’ll miss you more. I mean who wants to talk to someone who looks like hell and is whining all the time, right? You wouldn’t!
So remember: look good, smile, flirt, stay positive, have a life and keep it light. He’ll love it. And you’ll love the new you too.
Bises,
Datea x
23 Comments
hi Datea,
frenchie and I still keeping in touch, albeit sometimes i felt like we are losing it because the time difference maybe.
I asked him about talking on the phone and he replied with YES. not a bad reaction. so we had a 30 secs video call, thanks to the slow broadband. feel good to see him on the screen. it has been a month. well, the period of which I kept myself really busy.
there are times when my thoughts drifted to the dark side. unless it is common culture for frenchmen to act this way (i.e. love keeping in touch), I see no real incentive for him to keeping in touch daily with me since we are continents away. and I appreciate that.
will keep you posted. 🙂
~ Helena
Hang in there, Helena! xo
-Rosalie
Rouge here!
I am loving your recent posts on LDRs,Datea! :)Unfortunately due to the air strike recently my flight to Paris was cancelled so I had to reschedule so I didn't get to see my Frenchman 🙁 but will be in the coming weeks – yay!
I bought a book on learning the French language to surprise him on my next visit! Here's hoping he's impressed with my efforts!
Hello!
After I found your blog I've been combing through your posts. I must say I am in love with your advice, most if not all seem to hit the nail on the head. I met a french guy through this website for language learning as I had to learn french and I thought he was a really cool and fun guy. He then proceeded to tell me after about the 3rd time we spoke on skype ( only voice calling) that he really liked me and he was scared from these feelings because he has never felt like that for someone he met online before and never even knowing how they looked like. I live in the USA and he lives in France. What first was just penpals trying to learn languages became more. At first I was like an internet relationship? No way in hell ( just because the insecurities, lack of physical touch and in general the term ” virtual boyfriend” really put me off. So I just treated it as puppy love on his part. Eventually though we kept on talking and somehow I felt more and more interested when I completely would never have even considered something like this before.
He eventually told me he liked me more and more and he was confused about feeling that way but at least that way I know its my personality and not my looks that caught him. By that time we were already flirting shamelessly and while talking about American culture I told him it was not unusual for American men/woman to date a couple people at once and he told me he did not like to share and consider that cheating. He also told me that in France it was not necessary to ask the girl to be their girlfriend as its something like an unspoken communication. But I told him perhaps its because I am american but in dating I need to hear the question otherwise I will be confused whether there is a relationship or not. then proceeded to ask me to be his girlfriend a week and a half later. We did try phone sex once before but mostly on his part. At that point we already had exchanged pictures and you really are very spot on when you said Frenchmen would be very affectionate and lavish on compliments. Even before we were in a relationship most mornings he would text me good morning and speak to me through out the day. Even now about a few weeks into the relationship he does the same thing. At one point he didn't communicate with me for 3 days and I finally texted him asking him how he was and what he's been up to and he replied to me saying he didn't contact me on purpose because he was waiting for me to contact him first. He is very sweet and told he loved me about a week or so after we were in a relationship and always sends me sweet texts and says not talking to me makes the day very long for him. We have already video skyped a few times and he requested for me to give him a picture of me not the one he saw on facebook ( I hate taking pictures), he even asked me if it was okay for him to use it as his wallpaper for his phone and computer. He said he wants people to know he is taken and has someone special. Everything is very sweet but the thing is he dislikes living in France and is like dying to move to the USA. We had a conversation about this before about him getting a good job and applying for a visa and stuff through the job.
Continuation ( sorry its a long post)
But I think he also knows marrying an American woman will be much easier for him to gain citizenship. He is already talking about moving in together and finding places we both agree on. But the thing is he is still in school and he has about 5 years before finishing. He said he will try to see me at least once a year during the time he is still in school. But I have never actually met him in person before ( which makes me feel very dumb talking about this…) and he's done and said nothing to make me think this way but for some reason I can't help but think whether he is trying to be with me to have better access to a life in the USA since he really wants to move here and leave France. Is it unreasonable for me to think that? ( It probably is …) I just don't know what to do in this situation. I really like him but this situation of never meeting him in person before and the visa thing is just bothering me. On the other hand I actually do trust this man to be faithful and he has repeatedly asked me to make sure to only be able to commit if I can wait 5 years to be with him permanently. I'm just confused now…. sorry for the long post! This made me feel so much better after getting it all out hahaha. There's not many people you can tell you have a boyfriend you never met in person before. Thanks! 😉
Hi Karen!
I hope you don't mind me giving you my two cents! 5 years is a LONG time. I think you should focus on the now and make the best out of your relationship. Don't stress/pressure yourself into committing 5 years. Who knows, you both might meet someone completely new! Slow it down a little bit and let him visit you and perhaps you can visit him too. Be with each other physically for a little time and see what happens. I'm going to be long distance with my Frenchman for another two years too but I'll be in Europe so it'll be a lot easier than USA/France. Long distance is VERY difficult (we're currently doing the Canada/France long D), but it's not impossible! If you choose that route, it'll take a lot of commitment and love.
How old are you two may I ask? That might make a difference. If he's in his early 20s or younger, you should honestly just take things slow and not think toooooo far ahead. Your early twenties is the time where you develop as a person and there will be many changes.
Try your best to know each other and see each other before making such a BIG decision about marriage and 5 year long distance!!
-Rosalie
Hi Datea and all.
Thanks for keeping this blog. Super informative to many people. Anyhow, don't really have an female French friends yet to ask for advice, and maybe someone here might have something to say. FYI: read your blog looking for input, but still have questions.
I'm living in Paris for a summer language program and related research. Joined a dating website to meet new friends here. Went on a couple friends-only dates, and all was fine. Then, a sweet French guy contacted me who seemed genuine, interesting, and creative. After intriguing email correspondence, we met for coffee a couple weeks ago. We sat by the water, talked for a couple hours, and I really liked him. This was surprising because I'm pretty picky about “really liking” guys.
We met again to go see a show with his best friend. Then, we met another night to see another show with his female friend. That night, he passionately kissed me, and we had a sleepover without sex. Told him it was not a good idea to rush because: too confusing for my heart and coming out of a long-term relationship in January. Told me he wasn't into casual sex or open relationships, in response. Now, we have been intimate a few times since that night. But there seems to be warning signs. Any input would be welcome.
BTW: his English is not great and my French is worse so there could be communication errors.
(1) The girl from the show was his ex-girlfriend who he dated for over a year. She broke up with him, I think, because he wouldn't say they were a couple. Said he prefers the word “union” to the word “couple,” and he could be intimate with women who he did not love, love people he is not intimate with, or have both.
(2) He checks the dating site regularly (pretty much everyday). We have spent slmost every other day together since the first date, so this is confusing. Is he is corresponding with several people at once? Seems way “too soon” to be asking him for any kind of commitment. But I'm worried about STDs. Told him this, and said he would get tested.
(3) Was following your mirroring suggestion. He would want to hang out almost every other day, but texts between were rare. Occasionally, he signs off with terms of affection “lots of kisses” “bisous” or something of the sort. He has brought me dinner and breakfast.
Overall, something doesn't seem right, and I'm not looking for a casual relationship now. Am pretty sensitive, and don't want to get hurt. Sent him an email today to suggest maybe we “hold-off” on intimacy for now because finding my heart is feeling disconcerted. Tried to keep the message pretty light and positive.
Okay, that's it. Am I being overly cautious here? Am I jumping into things? Controlling feelings of the heart is difficult when sex is involved. Thanks to anyone with any advice.
Peace.
ashleigh
Hi Ashleigh,
It seems to me that he wants to be exclusive with you as he was very clear about that. But Frenchmen like to live in the moment. I don't think you're being overly cautious if you think that's the right thing to do for you. If he's okay with waiting for the intimacy, then he's a keeper! Frenchmen usually don't really think about when to have sex with a certain somebody, they just do it when it feels right. It doesn't necessarily mean they're a player or what not, they just want to show you affection -that- way. I think the most important question is, what do want out of this? Do you want a relationship?
If that's not what he expects out of this then you'll know what to do to not get hurt!
-Rosalie
Hi Helena – 30 seconds is definitely short, how frustrating! Hopefully you get to video call again very very soon. And for sure, keeping in touch daily shows how motivated he is. As for the future, time will tell.
Hi Rouge – Do you have a new trip booked yet? I hope so!
Hi Karen – First off, welcome to my blog! Hmmm. Where to start. I think like you I'd smell a rat. It's normal I think, given the situation. Then my heart would kick in and I'd wonder if he was totally smitten. So… what to do. I'd hedge my bets. Make a smart move but give your heart an opening. In other words, keep going wherever this LDR is taking you, continue getting to know each other, book a trip to see each other in each other's space, make sure you're attracted to each other in person, see how you get along in person. But don't get married. If he wants to move to the states, let him do it through his own means, saying that you want to give you guys time together properly before you take that huge step that's super important to you. If he starts pressuring you, and it seems it's more about him than the both of you, you'll have your answer. If you see he's plugging away to try and get sponsored by a US firm, they you'll know he's genuine.
Now, about those 5 years. That's a hell of a lot of time to get through. Especially if you're going to see each other just once a year. Do you want to go down that road? Wouldn't you rather meet someone who lives a couple of blocks away? The thing is that committing to someone you don't really know yet is taking you away from meeting anyone else. Who knows, maybe your true soul mate is sitting next to you on the bus but you won't see him because you'll be dreaming about this Frenchman.
Basically, it's a lot of ifs. What if you don't like him when you meet him, what if it fizzles out over the 5 years, what if he can't find a job over there, what if he gets mad when you say you don't want to marry him yet, what if he moves over there anyway and wants to live with you, what if you can't get rid of him when things get rocky, what if you guys falls head over heels in love and you're not sure what to do, what if you marry him and he dumps you, what if you don't marry him and you feel like you missed out something wonderful.
Take some time to think about it. Maybe you could continue talking to your Frenchman and date other people. You don't need to tell your Frenchman… It's not like you've signed on a dotted line or anything.
Do come back and let me know how things are going.
Bises,
Datea x
Hi Ashleigh,
In answer to the 3 points you made, here are my thoughts:
(1) It's normal for a French guy to still hang out with his exes. It's also normal for him to find it hard to spit the word “couple” or “girlfriend” out. It's also not the first time I've heard the sex without love or vice versa story.
(2) I'm with you on it not being cool that he's still going on the dating site every day when you think you're dating. But what he's doing here is keeping his options open. He's seeing if there's something better out there, or maybe he's hooking up with other women. The problem with being on an internet dating site is that you can track what he's doing. TMI or finding out the truth? I guess you could casually ask what he thinks about both of removing your profiles and see how he reacts. In the meantime, be sure to use condoms. Just because he gets tested doesn't mean he's not having unprotected sex with someone else.
(3) Well done on using the mirroring technique. Every other day is a good pace but the lack of texts in between your dates isn't great. A besotted Frenchman is firing back texts all day long. Together with him still going on the dating site, you're right, it doesn't feel right.
I think you should go with your gut. Continue using the mirroring technique, let him initiate texts, express your feelings on holding off on the physical (eg, intimacy means a lot to me and I'd like to give us the chance to get to know each other more first) and be sure to stick to it, and see what happens. If you tries to pressure you into sex or disappears on you then you have your answer. If he agrees on you guys taking down your profiles and starts texting you at all hours of the day, you have lift off. See, you don't need to have a commitment talk when you see his commitment to you through his actions.
And remember, it's not about being overly cautious, it's about protecting your heart. There's certainly nothing wrong with that.
Bises,
Datea x
Hello,
Thank you both for your feedback! seriously it did a lot to ease my discomfort. I think both of your advice's is the most logical I've heard from anyone. I will follow both =). Thank you guys again for both of your comments I really feel a lot more confident in my judgement with both of your advice in mind. Will keep you updated, Thanks again!
Hi Karen,
Glad to be of some help. Sounds like you're in a good state of mind moving forward. Best of luck and do come back to keep us posted.
Bises,
Datea x
Hi Datea,
All this precious info on your blog was quite a find. Thank you.I met this French guy in Istanbul last month while I was holidaying there solo. He works in Turkey and was in Istanbul to meet up with his sister and her boyfriend. We were in the same hostel and on the night before I was leaving for India,we all went out drinking. I was dancing with him and before I knew it we were kissing, and making out.He was pretty generous with compliments. I wasn't keen on jumping into the sack right away because I'd liked to have known him a bit more (I had then known him for a day). Then, I may have made a blunder because I told him that I had a boyfriend (this bit I had to make up as a travel safety thing) That, however, didn't deter him cos' he told him me that sex has nothing to with love/commitment. Anyway, we didn't have sex, but before going to bed he kissed me and said that he felt sorry it was such a complicated situation.
Next morning, I hung out with him and he said that he enjoyed kissing me the night before(I melted!). He gave me a small gift and asked for my email/fb. We parted ways. He said he would try and come to India once he was done with his contract in Turkey (which is in September). He emailed me+added me on fb as soon as he got back to his place, said he really hoped to see me soon. I said i wanted to see him too.The problem now is that he hasn't really kept in touch.We exchanged some music on fb once but he hasn't mailed me since.Taking your advice, I am definitely not msging him, tempted as I am. I am just wondering- if he didn't have to keep in touch then why did he ask for my email at all? We could have just gone our separate ways. Or may be he doesn't believe in the whole virtual relationship idea.Or the idea of my 'fake' boyfriend is making him step back. He is a bit of a hippy (and not from Paris), I must add. I don't want to appear too eager but how do I know what's on his mind?
Hi Ria,
Glad to be of help! The thing with long distance is that staying in touch is key. If he's not staying in touch, he's not putting in the effort, which means he's not feeling it enough. French guys tend to have the gift of the gab, making promises to email/call/visit and then… nothing. See, when he said he'd stay in touch, he wasn't committing to it, it just sounded good at the time. Don't read to much into it. He was just being spontaneous and going with the flow. But now he's back to reality, back to his everyday life, he's doing other things. Trust me, if this guy was into you, he'd be emailing and texting you like he said he would. Not sure if the fake boyfriend has anything to do with it really. Although next time you're in a similar situation, you don't have to invent a boyfriend to get out of sex, you can just say that you prefer to wait to get to know someone more. It's upfront and honest. As for next steps, follow the mirroring technique. If he contacts you, contact him back. If he doesn't, sorry but it's time to move on.
Bises,
Datea x
Hi Datea,
Thank you so much for taking your time to post/make this blog. I am now in a LDR with my frenchman and I believe things are fine. I just have one issue though…When he comes back to my country from France, he's going to be staying at a french girls place while he is looking for a new flat. They are friends but I don't know if I can trust the girl. By any chance, would you know how french girls are when they like someone? Are they the type who steals boyfriends? I know it's not good to generalize but I just want to know how it is. Thanks in advance. I really appreciate it.
Hi ?? (remember to give a name next time so I recognize you) – Welcome to my blog! In answer to your question, it depends what kind of relationship your Frenchman has with her. Did they used to date? Is she single? Also, do you know her? Do you have reason to believe that she fancies him? As you say, it's not good to generalize but at the same time such a living situation in a LDR can drive a girl a little crazy. I guess if she fancies him, she may try something. But then hopefully you can count on your Frenchman's state of mind to turn her down… It could all be innocent mind you. Have you had a chat with your Frenchman about your concerns?
Bises,
Datea x
Datea and Rosalie.
Thanks much for your advice on both accounts. It's confusing to know how to navigate the waters of an inter-cultural relationship sometimes. Actually, it can also be difficult to know how to navigate the waters of any relationship.
Update: Anyhow, I wasn't strong on the no-physical-contact point. 🙂 He is still very attentive when together – gifts and such. But very busy with work otherwise and still checking his online account. Oh, I hate TMI and my curiosity. Probs, I will take an approach as you suggest when he arrives back in town soon, Datea. I don't mind open options, but I just appreciate honesty.
Alas, in the meantime, I'm super busy with my own work and social life. So that's where my energy is going now.
Peace and hugs.
Ashleigh
Hi Datea. Name is Li. 🙂 I just have another question. Are Frenchmen normally flirty?
It has been 3 months since we have been seeing each other. He says that 'I attract him a lot' but never says he loves me yet(but that's ok.)
My main concern is that he seems to have a crush on another girl and I mean, things like him posting on the girls wall -happy birthday, gorgeous! and likes her profile pictures. im not normally jealous but this girl is also very pretty. Once we went sailing with this girl and other friends and i dont know why but there's that tension between them 🙁 I know my frenchie doesn't act on it but he also doesn't deny the fact that he finds the girl attractive and tells that to me directly. I don't know how to act when we're all together in the same room. I feel like my insecurity is rising. 🙁
Hi Li and welcome to my blog! In answer to your question, yes, Frenchmen are normally flirty. But limits depend on the guy. As for your triangle situation, tricky. I find it comes down to a woman's security and level of comfort. My ex used to flirt with other women and openly tell me how he found them hot. I found it odd, made me feel uncomfortable and ended up bringing out my insecurities. One of the reasons why I'm no longer with him, because this extreme version of flirtation is not my thing. It's something only you can decide if you can live with. After this girl, there may be another and then another. Now, he may still not act on it, but it may make you feel like you're not good enough in the long term. It's not a good feeling, believe me.
As for him not saying I love you yet, I'm surprised because 3 months is a long time for a Frenchman. Okay, so he's attracted to you, is there more to it? Do you feel like you guys are going somewhere? Do you feel like he cares for you? And key question – do you trust him?
Do come back so we can continue the discussion.
Bises,
Datea x
Hi Datea! I tan across your blog very much in time to be honest and I loved it. You seem to be really aware of how it works with the Frenchmen
May be you could lit the light to my specimen:)
I've met with a french guy on my short journey to France. We were working in the same organization in a kinda camping place. I liked him and it took me some time to get him into a proper chat since he looked shy and never up to hang with a crowd. In the end we slept together and I honestly wanted an one night stand. All in all we spent a couple of days and then I had to leave. And I had his email in hand.
The man was really nice and I wanted just to keep in touch though I already let the idea of me liking him slip into my mind.
His emails were nice but then he disappeared, then I found out that there were some serious troubles at his work. He was silent and I already accepted the idea that he wouldn't show up ever again. Only in a month I sent him a short email wishing him a happy birthday. And he replied in a couple of days thanking me, saying that he thought about me and he wants to meet me in a month France or in my country.
I was surprised but told him that he may come if he wants. And then again a month passed and I was kinda pissed off at him and wrote an email saying that if he changed his mind he could let me know about it.
He replied the same day saying that he found a new job and now he was not able to come and invited me to come to France and said he would pay for my airplane tickets and he is serious with this proposal.
I offered to discuss it on skype. And he disappeared again.
Do you have any ideas of what it could be? He's almost 40 and I guess there should be some logical reasoning at this age…
Many thanks and keep posting, you're really good at it!
*ran across
Anonymous aka S J
Hi Anonymous with guy doing disappearing act (please leave a name next time so I know who you are) – Well, seems to me this guy is really good at doing a disappearing act on you. If we look at things so far, YOU got him into a chat with you, YOU sent him a happy birthday email, YOU sent him an email to ask if he'd changed his mind about coming to visit you. I wonder what would happen if you didn't take any initiative and you left it all to him? Maybe he would just disappear on you permanently. There is no logical reasoning. Some guys are just like that. And it usually means that they're not that into you. I know it's tough to hear if you like him. But it's better to know sooner rather than later. I mean, do you want to be the one breathing life into this? I think you've put it out there that you want to discuss a potential visit to France over Skype, now see if he gets back to you. If he doesn't, move on. If he does, say in 3 weeks, how do you feel? Do you want to go to France to see him? I wouldn't if I were you. But if you do, make sure you stay at a hotel.
Bises,
Datea x
Hi! I hope you'd still see this comment as this article was written early last year. I have been in a relationship with a Frenchman since December of 2013 and we have made it official (that means “public on FB) since then. We met through our parents here in the Philippines and everybody around us saw that time that we had chemistry. But, we only got to talking about us when he went back to France. So, the relationship has been online-based. He was very affectionate and vocal at the start of the relationship. Right before his contract started for work. After he started working, we would only talk every weekends and he got a bit non-vocal. He tells me he loves me and that he is just very busy. Should I take it at that? I have trust issues (I know I am sounding a little clingy). So, I am not sure if he is JUST busy or maybe he is having doubts about his feelings for me and he is just afraid to tell me. Thoughts , please? Thanks!